I'm not sure what is worse - the boredom or the guilt...

~

Yesterday's doctor's appointments went well - Baby K was moving and grooving, she has gained a whole pound, my blood sugars are above 90, my diet is on track, and my AFI was 7. My doctor was pleased that I had "passed" being on bedrest at home for 5 days but reminded me that we had to remember what got us to this pass, so bedrest continued. Although he did modify it a bit so that I didn't have to lie in bed all the time, but I can't really go out of my house.

I gave him my litany of complaints - my hands and feet keep going numb, I keep seeing spots in my peripheral vision, my blood sugar numbers are high, and my back and sides keep hurting.

My doctor's response? Good. He said that all my complaints told him that I was following his regime of bedrest (hands and feet going numb = blood flow to the placenta, spots in my vision = vertigo from lying down, back and side pain = growing baby, and high blood sugar numbers = a working placenta). So I got no help from that corner.

Bed rest will continue for another week. After that, I'm over 37 weeks, so I'm hoping we can ease up on the rules a bit. It's more than my being bored - I feel horribly guilty.

I feel guilty that throughout May and the beginning of June I promised my kids, "We'll do that when Mommy is done with work." And now we can't.

I feel guilty that their routine has been thrown to hell and they don't get to see their friends often.

I hate and feel guilty that my husband is doing 90% of the childcare and house cleaning when I can't help and that he's not getting the breaks he needs.

I hate and feel guilty that my sister is coming over and cleaning my house and helping my husband set up for the baby instead of doing it myself.

I hate and feel guilty that my friends are feeding my husband and kids when I'm home.

I lie in bed and feel guilty and worried.

I worry about my baby girl, even as I feel her rocking and rolling inside me.

And I'm worried about me - I struggled with postpartum depression after the birth of my son, and I'm afraid that it's going to rear it's ugly head again after Baby K's birth because I'm so bored and guilty and frustrated and worried now.

Added to that, the support system that I had put into play for after the baby is born has been used while I'm on bedrest, and my husband has to go back to work in the middle of August.

Financially speaking, I have to return to work August 1st. Since I work from home, it shouldn't be a problem, but the longer I have to stay on bedrest, the shorter the time seems.

I'm worried I'm going to be on my own after the baby is born, which makes PPD worse, especially since Boyo and Girlie don't start preschool until the middle of September.

I've always been a get up and go, I can take care of everything personality. And now I can't do anything... I hate this.