Next Year

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It's official.

I'm going to be a middle mom next year. Home with my kids, but working either from home or on nights/weekends.

But I'm not 100% certain that it was my decision... somehow, the conversation my boss and I were having got away from me. I wasn't ready to tell her that I would be staying home. I had too many questions to answer before I could say with 100% certainty that I would be able to stay home. Will my family live in poverty if I stay home? What if we can't make our mortgage or buy groceries to feed our children? What if I don't make enough tutoring? What if I lose my mind, being home with my kids all the time? How are we going to pay for catholic schools for the kids if I'm not working (which is nonnegotiable)? Will my staying home hurt or help my relationship with my husband? Will we be able to afford more children? What if my husband has to take a pay cut? So many questions.... and it's killing me that I don't know the answers.

But that isn't the worst part of the conversation with my employer. While we were talking, she kept telling me how worried she was for me. Because she knows I'm a great teacher, and she is sure I'm a wonderful mother. But then, she said, that means that I must be suffering as a person.

Huh?

And why?

Why can't I balance it all? Sure, some days suck. Some days I let the house work slide. Or my errands. Or the yard work. Or my time with my dog. Or (I hate to admit it, but I'm being honest here) my time with my husband. But I NEVER EVER let my time with my children, my work with my students, or time for myself slide. So why does she think I do?

Apparently, I am stressed, overwrought, and high strung. Her words, not mine. I didn't think I was those things, so I was surprised that she thought that way. That was the recurring theme of our meeting... her concern about my health.

I had no idea I was so sick.