Mommy Guilt

I read an awesome article the other day about Mommy Wars.

And it really got me thinking about the debate that has raged on in this country -- stay at home mom versus working mom...and the forgotten few, like me, the work at home mom. And I think about how everybody gets so heated one way or another about it, and starts shouting and yelling over which choice is right and which choice is wrong and what is the best way to raise children and what is the right way to raise children and I just have to say....

Everybody needs to shut the hell up.

Because here's the thing -- The question: how to raise the world's children? It's not my decision to make. What is my decision to make is how to raise my children. And that goes for everyone else -- it's your decision how to raise your children and NO ONE ELSE'S BUSINESS.

Think about it -- how would you feel if people told you the right way to pay your bills, load the dishwasher, or mow your lawn? I bet you'd be a little peeved, right? So why do we (as a society) think that we can tell families how to raise their children and expect parents to fall over and be so thankful that we stuck our noses in their business?

And it makes my blood boil when I hear women ripping each other apart over motherhood -- women need to realize that we need to be united on parenting because, sweet Jesus, it's hard enough.

No one way to parent is right or wrong... it comes down to this:

If your child is clothed, fed, and housed, loved, nourished (body, mind, and soul), happy and cheerful (most of the time), and innocent, you are doing a bang up job.

Does it matter how you get your child to this state? Nope.

Regardless of my feelings on this, my Mommy guilt (which sounds a lot like Laura Schlessinger in my mind), still makes herself heard: Why did you get your MA to stay home? I bet other SAHM don't yell as much as you do. This place is a pigsty. Why is your son naked -- again? Did your daughter just drop the f-bomb? Well done, Mom of the Year. Get off your computer -- you can work at 2 in the morning when everyone else is asleep. What? You are going to bed at 11 pm instead of doing the dishes? Well, all right, if that is what you think is best...

I have a way to handle the Mommy Guilt voice when she rears her ugly head (at least twenty times a day)... I imagine myself picking up a mallet and smashing her to bits like in a Road Runner Wiley E Coyote cartoon. And then I feel better. But I don't know how to make her go away all together.

Here's the example that I want to set for my kids -- I want them to see that their mother is human. I want them to know that she loves them and would do anything for them. But that she sometimes loses her patience and her temper. That she is not afraid to apologize. That she gives the best hugs. That she can work and be there for them. That she knows when to say "That's it, I need a break!" That she struggles with the decisions that she makes but hopes that she is making the right ones for them. That they are some of the most important people in her life.

The problem is, Glennon Melton is right -- I'm not the only one setting the example. I'm a big part of it, sure, but my kiddos are smart -- they know (or will realize) that there are different ways to be a mom. And I hope to God that they don't think one way is better than another.

The True Cost of Motherhood -- according to Yahoo! and Financially Fit

I just read an interesting article on the True Cost of Motherhood.

Basically, it was about how much having a child affects a woman's finances.

Here are their findings:

• Low-skilled women don’t get very big raises, and having kids does little to change that.The so-called wage trajectories (think of a line graph showing a worker’s wages growing over time) of low-skilled women are much flatter than those of high-skilled women. Having children didn’t change those trajectories very much.
• For high-skilled women, kids spell the end of raises. High-skilled women have steep wage trajectories. Those trajectories flatten out almost precisely at the moment they have children.
• Low-skilled women don’t seem to make their lost wages back. Ten years after having children, low-skilled women have wages that are six percent lower than their counterparts.
• High-skilled women don’t make that money back, either. Ten years after having children, high-skilled women have wages that are 24 percent lower than their counterparts.
• Becoming a parent seems to have no effect on men’s wages.
  

And my response?

DUH.

Really? We needed to do a study on something that has been common knowledge for 30 years, at least?

But that wasn't the part that made me really mad... it was the comments.

My Life As A "Middle Mom"

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A friend asked me the other day about my job. I work from home as a virtual teacher. "Come on," he said, laughing. "What do you really do all day? I mean, how can you teach from home?"

You want to know what I do all day? I kick a@#.

See, I'm a "middle mom" - that means I'm one of the very lucky few women who gets to work at home so can be with my kids. (Or, depending on your point of view, one of the very few unlucky women...)

Every hour of my day is scheduled. Some days, every minute (no, I'm not being melodramatic).

Some days, I get up at 5 with my husband. While he gets ready to go to work, I turn on my computer and begin grading. Or creating lessons. Or dealing with attendance issues. Or withdrawals. Or any of the other hundred little tasks, that if I was at a brick and mortar school, I would be lucky enough to have a school secretary, registrar, VP, principal, department head, and dean of discipline handle.

If I'm ahead of my work, I get to reward myself by sleeping in until 6. I work every morning until 7 when I stop, get ready for my day, and put my "Mom" hat on - waking up the kids, getting breakfast, cuddling, and starting our day.

My kids eat breakfast and watch Mickey Mouse Clubhouse while I respond to email until 9 o'clock, when the TV and computer go off, whether I'm done working or not. (Or whether the kids are done watching TV or not.)

And we are off - Disneyland, park, museum, zoo, library, play dates with friends. Preschool, grocery shopping, running errands, or dealing with the thousand other piles of little things that have to get done.

We are home by 12:30 for lunch and one more show before the kiddos are packed into bed for naps and I boot my computer back up. For the next two hours, I hit work hard. Phone calls begging for attendance to be entered, following up on grades, dealing with colleagues. Emails that do the same thing. And grading -- oh dear God, the grading. Wednesdays, I teach. Yes, I teach live lessons. No, my students cannot see me (thank God).

My kids wake up, and the computer goes off again. We play. We go for walks. We make different arts and crafts. My husband comes home from work and I closet myself into my bedroom (I mean, my home office) to work until dinner time.

Is it easy? Nope.

There have been times that I have handled parent phone calls while I am corralling my screaming son at the park. I have let important calls go to voice mail because I am snuggling my daughter on the couch. My house is always a mess (although, that was true when I wasn't working), dinner is normally out of a box or a bag three nights a week, and I have fallen into bed exhausted at 7:30 at night - half an hour before my children go to bed.

It takes discipline. And organization. And creativity. And TV. (After all, how else am I supposed to keep my kids quiet when I have to have an important conference call?)

And some days, it takes throwing the routine out the window and praying that I can get it all done.

Do I have it all? Not even close. (But then again, does anyone?) Alone time has to be scheduled - and it's often when I'm multitasking, by taking my kids to the babysitting room at the gym. Where I could once read a book a day, I now take three or four. I have about 30 hours of TV tivo'd for "later." Nap time for some SAHMs is sacred - its the time when Mommy gets to breathe. Nap time is when I work. And it breaks my heart some days when my daughter wraps her arms around my neck and nap time and asks me to lie with her "just for a little bit," and I have to say no because a parent is calling in 5 minutes.

I feel like I can't complain about how hard it is because I'm one of the "lucky ones" who gets to work at home. But I don't really fit into either role - working mommy or SAHM. Some of my SAHM friends don't understand why my kids and I can't always join them for a playdate - after all, I "work at home. Can't I work whenever I want?" Not always. Or my working mommy friends say with envy, "God, your life must be so easy." Yeah, not so much.

I'm exhausted, stressed, and completely and totally in love with my kids and what I do for a living. I just have to compartmentalize a bit. Okay, a lot.

Who Wants to Move to Norway?

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I stumbled across an interesting article the other day.

Apparently, the United States is ranked 28th in the world when it comes to the best places to be a mother.

The five top countries were: Norway, Australia, Iceland, Sweden and Denmark.

Not surprisingly, Afghanistan was last on the list.

I'm not making these rankings up. Save the Children compiles this list yearly after looking at factors such as access to health care, educational and economic opportunities, and maternity leave policies.

It was the maternity leave policies that got me curious, so I decided to do some research. Granted, my research consisted of hitting up Wikipedia, but I am determined to dig further into this.

I know that the United States offers 0 time of paid maternity leave and 0 time of paid paternity leave. Under the Family Medical Leave Act, you can get 12 weeks off, unpaid. But really, it's up to your employer to determine if you are going to get paid leave or not.

What I did NOT know was that every country in Africa but one offers paid maternity leave. Every country in Asia/Pacific offer paid maternity leave. Every country in Europe offers paid maternity leave. In the Americas, every country but one offers paid maternity leave.

Yup, that one would be the United States.

Great. We are on par with Swaziland in terms of maternity leave.

And Norway, the country that Save The Children ranked #1?

Here is what parents in Norway get:

For Moms: 56 weeks (13 months) (80%) or 46 weeks (10.5 months) (100%) - mother must take at least 3 weeks immediately before birth and 6 weeks immediately after birth, father must take at least 10 weeks - the rest can be shared between mother and father. The mother can also take an extra full year of unpaid leave after the paid period ends.

For Dads (yes, they take care of their dads too!): 10 weeks of the 56/46 weeks paid leave is reserved for the father. If he does not take these 10 weeks, they will be lost as they can not be transferred to the mother. The father can also take an extra full year of unpaid leave after the paid period ends. In addition, the father is entitled to take two weeks unpaid leave directly before or after birth (many fathers are paid for these weeks by their employers).

Restrictions: To gain the right to paid leave for herself and the father, the mother must have worked for 6 of the last 10 months before birth, or the leave is unpaid (except for a lump sum benefit from the government).

Who is up for moving to Norway?

All right, all right, this information came from wikipedia. I still need to dig deeper into this. Perhaps all of this information is flawed and I will need to eat my words. I hope it is flawed. I hope I'm wrong. Because if this information is right, I'm highly irritated.

Can of worms

~

I let some people know that I will not be able to return to work next year; and instead of trying to find a new job right away, I'm going to be home with my children during the day. Most people have been supportive. And then I got this:

"Wow. Really? Wow... I just... I just don't know what to say. Hmm... aren't you worried about what kind of message you will send to your daughter by leaving your career and to stay home and take care of kids? After all, you got your MA and other certifications."

My response?

"Wow. Really. Wow. I don't know what to say to that. Actually, I do. Let's cover this step by step, shall we?

First of all, I'm not staying home to take care of kids, I'm staying home to take care of my children. Mine. So I hope she will know that I love her and her brother.

Secondly, it's my MA. My certifications. I put in the time for them, the sweat, the blood, so to speak. I gave up my nights and weekends and money to earn them. So it is my choice what I do with them. And I hope my children, not just my daughter, know that I got educated so I could have choices with my life.

Thirdly, I'm assuming that your well meaning, if idiotic concern, is the message I am sending my daughter about being a SAHM instead of having a career? That I am sending a negative message by not working, keeping a perfect house, and raising my children?

See, I'm not quitting work all together. I'm going to work from home, and tutor on nights and weekends. So I hope the message that she learns from my choice is that it is my choice. Mine. A choice that I am finally fortunate enough to be able to make because of my education. A choice that I can finally make with a light heart because my education is giving my family a greater financial freedom. That while things may be difficult financially at first, at least she will have me home with her and her brother. That she and her brother and my family are the most important things to me.

Do you have any other 'concerns'?"

That was my response.

Next Year

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It's official.

I'm going to be a middle mom next year. Home with my kids, but working either from home or on nights/weekends.

But I'm not 100% certain that it was my decision... somehow, the conversation my boss and I were having got away from me. I wasn't ready to tell her that I would be staying home. I had too many questions to answer before I could say with 100% certainty that I would be able to stay home. Will my family live in poverty if I stay home? What if we can't make our mortgage or buy groceries to feed our children? What if I don't make enough tutoring? What if I lose my mind, being home with my kids all the time? How are we going to pay for catholic schools for the kids if I'm not working (which is nonnegotiable)? Will my staying home hurt or help my relationship with my husband? Will we be able to afford more children? What if my husband has to take a pay cut? So many questions.... and it's killing me that I don't know the answers.

But that isn't the worst part of the conversation with my employer. While we were talking, she kept telling me how worried she was for me. Because she knows I'm a great teacher, and she is sure I'm a wonderful mother. But then, she said, that means that I must be suffering as a person.

Huh?

And why?

Why can't I balance it all? Sure, some days suck. Some days I let the house work slide. Or my errands. Or the yard work. Or my time with my dog. Or (I hate to admit it, but I'm being honest here) my time with my husband. But I NEVER EVER let my time with my children, my work with my students, or time for myself slide. So why does she think I do?

Apparently, I am stressed, overwrought, and high strung. Her words, not mine. I didn't think I was those things, so I was surprised that she thought that way. That was the recurring theme of our meeting... her concern about my health.

I had no idea I was so sick.

What to do, what to do....

~
Well, the time has come. I have to make a decision. Can't put it off anymore.

I'm meeting with my boss tomorrow to discuss my contract for next year.

I've been struggling with the idea of being a SAHM vs. Working Mommy since September. And it's been so easy to say one thing or another because that is all I was doing -- talking about it. But now I have to make a decision. A hard and fast, no going back from it decision about what I'm going to do.

My mind is 90% made up... but that 10% doubt is a real b$!&#.

As I stand at the crossroads, I can't help but think right now about Edward Teller's quote: "Faith is knowing that one of two things shall happen: Either you will be given something solid to stand on or you will be taught to fly." Last time I checked, I didn't have wings. And I am worried that there is nothing solid to stand on. So the question is: do I want to be safe and unhappy or scared and happier?

I was discussing my bone wrenching, stomach churning fear with my friend about my upcoming decision, and she gave me 4 words of comfort: "God will always provide." I sure hope so.

Some Days Are Harder Than Others...

Today was the first day in a week that I had to drop both my babies off at school. They had both been sick last week, and then my son developed a rash as a result of his antibiotics, so last week I took two coveted sick days (it makes me a little nauseous to realize that I only have two sick days left for the next two months of school) and kept my little ones home. My husband took one day, my sister watched them one day, and my sister in law watched them another day.

So today we tried to get back into our crazy, chaotic routine to get out the door on time (I am proud of myself -- I was only 10 minutes late out the door). I was surprised at how easy it was to get back into the flow of things - sure, I had to deal with my daughter's two temper tantrums, but on the whole, we did all right.

And then I dropped them off at school. Melt down city. My daughter huddled in the corner, sobbing "I don't wanna go to school. I want Momma! I don't wanna go to school!" while my son hung on my skirt and cried "Up! Up! Up!"

I finally got them situated and, while they weren't happy, they were at least calm. I gave them extra hugs and kisses, more cuddles and pats on the back, and then I had to walk out the door to go to a job where I am not appreciated.

And I sat in my car and cried.

Oh, now I'm mad...

The other day, as I was grading tests (aka, cruising the Internet), I stumbled upon this article about a study Kansas State University did on motherhood.

I nearly spit my coffee all over my computer monitor.

"Some findings:

• Moms employed full-time outside the home are devalued and their kids are seen as "troubled," experiencing bad parent/child relationships.

• Participants didn't view at-home moms much differently that those "middle moms" who find a work/home balance.

Jennifer Livengood, a K-State grad student in psychology says, "People like mothers who fulfill traditional stereotypes, like staying at home. That's just not a reality and not a preference for women as much as it used to be." "

Not a preference?!?!?! I want to be a SAHM. Actually, I want to be a "middle mom" where I can work at home. But I can't. It's not feasible for my husband and I right now - if I quit working without having another source of income lined up, we don't make our mortgage. So be careful, Kansas State University, with how you report your findings. That is the problem with studies - you chose the facts, and can skew them.

And to tell me that my kids will be perceived as "trouble makers" because I work? Yeah, you just p%&*ed me off. Maybe my anger is playing into your findings, but I don't care. No one calls my kids names. And don't tell me that we have a "troubled" relationship... it's about quality, not quantity. And the quality of my relationship with my kids is fine.

But it gets better. Who, you might be asking, did Kansas State chose to interview?

"Upon further inspection, I read that the participants in the study were unmarried undergrad students, 99 percent of whom have no kids."

Why would you conduct a study where the participants are unmarried undergrad students with no kids?

Okay, so the purpose of your study is to see what people think motherhood should be like, what the fantasy is. I get it. One small problem:

No offense to those of you out there who are undergrad students with no kids, but most of you don't know anything yet. Your biggest concern is probably the upcoming final and what beer to buy on Friday. And good for you. Enjoy that time of your life where you don't have to worry about things like paying a mortgage, whether or not your daughter's cough at 4 in the morning means you are going to have to take a coveted sick day, or agonizing every night if the choices you made that day are the right choices for your children and your family. Sorry, undergrad student with no kids -- until you have kids, keep your mouth shut about what it takes to be a mother.

And that goes to everyone out there who doesn't have kids but thinks they can give me "advice" on how to raise my children - I have a pediatrician, a mother, and girlfriends on call. I prefer those with experience to help me out. Thanks so much though.

Mommy/Teacher

I had to start a blog when I was getting my credential... it was for my technology class. I had to show that I was capable of turning on the computer before I could teach the very people who are the most technology capable on the planet - teenagers.

Be that as it may, I never actually posted anything (it wasn't part of the assignment). So my blog floated around in Internet space, blank and forgotten. I never knew what to say... besides, who would bother to read what I wrote? Who cared? It all seemed very narcissistic to me.

Then I had children.

I'm embarrassed to admit that my daughter is two and my son is turning one on Thursday, but I am just now starting my blog. Why, you may ask?

Well, because I'm a narcissist.

I'm kidding.

Sort of.

Lately I've been struggling with the idea of being a stay at home mom (or a SAHM for those of you not up with cool mommy lingo). And I decided to post my confusion out in Internet space in case anyone did care and could offer me some insight.

Ever since my beautiful, intelligent daughter was born, I was chomping at the bit to go back to work. She was planned perfectly - I'm a teacher, I got pregnant in September, she was born in June. I only missed two weeks of school. And come September, armed with a picture of my infant daughter for my desk, I went back to school. I'm not saying it wasn't hard - it was. The first day I left her with the nanny, I sat in the car and cried for 15 minutes. It took all of my will power (and my husband driving away) to not charge back into the house and scoop her up where I knew she would be safe.

But with time, it got easier. Our nanny was wonderful - I knew my daughter was safe. And work was understanding about the fact that I had a new baby - I could bring her to work occasionally, could leave easily when she was sick, and, as a teacher, I had time off at Christmas, spring, and of course, all summer.

And then I got pregnant with my son.

To say he was unplanned would be like saying that the Titanic sort of sank. I took five pregnancy tests. I was leaving to go by more when my husband came home and asked me why I was crying and drinking water (so I could pee more). Our daughter was only 9 months old when I got pregnant - so NOT planned, as my daughter was. But my husband was ecstatic and, after I calmed down, I was too.

My first pregnancy was easy. My second was not. Spotting, cramping, and insulin dependent, gestational diabetes had me in the doctor's office 5 days a week for the third trimester. But thankfully, my son was born perfectly healthy in December.

I settled in as a SAHM for 8 weeks of maternity leave, secretly counting the days until my son was old enough to go to daycare and I could go back to work.

I absolutely hated it.

I was miserable. My son was colicky, I had a severe case of postpartum depression, and I had an 18 month old at home. I would call my husband at work during his lunch break and curse at him because HE got a break. I contacted my work, to see if I could come back early, but daycare wouldn't take my son until he was 6 weeks old.

And then my son got sick.

I don't mean oh poor baby, he got the sniffles. He got SICK. RSV. Pneumonia. Respiratory distress. Ambulance. And, perhaps worst of all, ventilator.

My son was on a ventilator for 5 days. I cried for 4 of them; I only stopped when I found out he would be coming off of the ventilator. I felt so guilty... wanting to go back to work, and not wanting to be around my son. I felt like God was punishing me.

Thank God my son turned out to be fine. Asthmatic, but fine. We left the hospital after a week with a healthy boy and two exhausted parents while my daughter was furious at having been abandoned by her mother for a week. (She got over it with the help of a new Elmo doll.)

The doctors wanted my son to stay out of daycare until he was three months old. For the first time in my adult life, I began to consider being a SAHM. I had worked since I was 15. I had a degree from one of the top universities in California. I had two teaching credentials, and was in my MA program, set to graduate in May. But I was willing to walk away from all of it to stay home with my children.

I knew I was considering it for the wrong reason - guilt, not want. And I was secretly relieved when our accountant told my husband and I that it wouldn't be feasible. I felt I was too selfish a person to stay home with my kids - work was my break, my intellectual stimulation, my sense of SELF. I did not want to give that up to change diapers and deal with temper tantrums. So I headed back to work, convincing myself that sending my son to day care when he was 2 months instead of 3 months would not be the end of the world

But something had happened when I was out on maternity leave. Work was no longer the happy place I remembered - the sense of community that I had missed had been replaced with a sense of cold, hard business. The economy had collapsed, and as a private school, we were feeling the hit. I no longer felt appreciated at work, and the students seemed to get more and more arrogant.

Work started laying off teachers, and I began to feel as though I needed to stay, that I should be grateful to have a job. I was one of the teachers who was "safe," and I went into summer vacation knowing I would have a job in September.

September rolled around, and I thought I would be happy to send my now 2 year old daughter and 8 month old son back to daycare. I wasn't. I was resentful. We had an awesome summer... played, went to the beach, read together... my daughter was holding conversations now, and my son would smile and clap whenever he saw me, shouting "MOMMA!" I hated having to leave them to go to a job where I didn't fill fulfilled.

The final straw came last week when I gave two students detentions for being tardy to my class. My professional judgement was questioned -for the first time ever. I had it. I went home and burst into tears. After an hour of crying, my husband gave me the greatest gift he could give me:

"Honey, you can quit. We will find a way to make it work."

And I realized he was right. We WOULD find a way to make it work. I can tutor or teach college classes nights and weekends (if I can find a job in this economy). But the question now is: do I want to?

I want to be home with my kids. I want to see my son take his first steps, and watch my daughter and son continue to grow. I want to be the one to teach them to read and count and their colors. I want to get to play with them and have them with me. I don't want to miss their childhood.

But I also don't want to miss myself.

So.... Mommy? Or teacher?

Maybe I can work from home. Even be an online teacher. After all, I know how to create a blog.