How Do You Raise A Boy?

I found the quote below on Facebook the other day and it spoke to me not because of how to raise my daughter, but how to raise my son:

"Today I will build my daughter up. Today I will focus on her intelligence, creativity, sense of adventure, wild heart, and imagination. Today I will let my daughter get dirty, or make a mistake. Today I will reject the notion that she is just a pretty face, a delicate creature who needs pampering and consumerism to feel fulfilled. Today, I will simply let my daughter be a kid.
Today I will find ...joy in my son. Today I will cherish his dreaming mind, love of exploring, tender heart, and sparkle in his eye. Today I will let my son climb higher than my mother's heart is comfortable with, and give him the room to learn on his own. Today I will reject the notion that he is a tough guy who doesn't need art and love and compassion in order to be a mini man. Today, I will simply let my son be a kid." ~Pigtail Pals - Redefine Girly

I've mentioned in this blog and to anyone who will listen -- how I want to raise Girlie to be a kickass woman: one who can shatter the glass ceiling if she wants to, who will wear cleats and heels, one who is independent and possesses a mental and physical strength to get her through life. I don't want her to give up her power to a man (or woman) -- I want her to defy stereotypes.

And I've been so focused on her that I've neglected my son.

How do I raise him to be a kickass man: one who possess a mental and physical strength to get him through life, who can be ambitious and sensitive, who will treat women as equal but still hold the door open for them, who won't let a girl win just because she's a girl, but will still stand up for women's independence? How do I teach him to figure out who he is and not give his power away to a woman (or man)? How do I teach him to be strong and sensitive without being a wuss, to be independent and not a mama's boy but still call his mother on occasion? How do I teach him to defy stereotypes?

I don't have a clue.

There are so many books and articles out there about raising strong, independent girls and very few on how to raise strong, independent men. A quick google search on "How to Raise A Strong Man" gave me one good article -- this one -- and then an article titled "Want to Raise A Good Son? Get him a Good Man."

The point of the article is that a boy needs a strong father figure. I get that. And Boyo has one.

But it doesn't answer my fundamental question: what is MY ROLE in raising my son to be a good man? What do I talk to him about? How do I teach him to communicate and be empathetic and not objectify women? It can't all be on my husband, can it?

I know what to do with my daughter -- or at least, I have a plan. I'm clueless when it comes to my son; I don't even know where to start. And I'm worried that I've wasted three years where I could have been helping him.

“We've begun to raise daughters more like sons... but few have the courage to raise our sons more like our daughters.” ― Gloria Steinem

Smart and Strong and Power

I've mentioned before - a few times - how I want to raise Girlie to be stong and independent and to think of herself as more than a pretty face or a princess.

And I believe I've mentioned that I am struggling with how to do so.

So I was quite pleased when Girlie told me the other day that she is "smart and strong."

"That's right!" I told her, mentally patting myself on my back.

"And I have power and I have to use it to fight the bad guys. And mean dogs," she continued.

"You are absolutely correct," I told her. "You are smart. And you are strong. And you do have power. But I don't want you to fight bad guys or mean dogs. I want you to tell Mommy or Daddy or the police."

"Okay," she told me with a scary gleam in her eye. "I will use my power to fight the bad guys. And then I'll kill them! And then I'll tell Daddy and the police."

Scrambling, since I was unaware that "kill them" was in her vocabulary, I debated telling her that if she killed anyone, I didn't want to know. However, I decided to be a responsible parent instead, and I inquired as to what "kill them," means.

"It means to hurt them so they can't hurt you. And you have to use your power and your smarts and your strengths."

"Right," I said slowly. "But how do you hurt them?"

"You fight them with a light saber."

No more Star Wars.

Unexpected Blessings

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Have you ever noticed, that when you are at what you think is your absolute lowest, there is always someone there to say exactly the right thing at exactly the right time? You just have to be paying attention...

I had one of those moments today. I was talking to my mother on the phone, crying my eyes out because of the mess I have made of my life.

Here's the thing - I'm rarely a crier. I'm more of a scream into a pillow, go to a butt kicking aerobic class, or a punching a boxing bag kind of girl. But in the last two months, I have done more crying than I care to admit to. And the fact that I was crying to my mother (who taught me to be that scream into a pillow, go to a butt kicking aerobic class, or punch a boxing bag kind of girl) is RARE. In fact, the last time I did, I think I was 15.

And my mom reminded me of something, something that until that moment, I wasn't even aware she realized.

"Shannon," she told me in a soothing voice that I don't remember from my childhood. (How could I have missed it?) "You are so lucky -- you have two children who love you and you get to be their mom. You have more than some people will ever have. You have the right priorities -- everything else will work out. You just have to give it time."

And then she said the clincher, the one thing that was guaranteed to make me cry harder. "You are my first born. I hate to see you so upset. If I could fix it, I would. But I know you'll get through this; you're strong."

She reminded me of something that I sometimes take for granted: I have two great kids and a family that loves me.

Sometimes, I really want to be my mom when I grow up.