Roller Coaster

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I have been on a hell of a roller coaster lately.

First, I was struggling with the idea of being a stay at home mom.

Turns out, I didn't have to make a decision, since I lost my job.

So I applied for unemployment.

Then I found a new tutoring job.

And then I found out I didn't qualify for training.

So we applied for a loan modification.

Then I found a different tutoring job.

And then I found out that it didn't start until November.

Then we drained our savings.

Then I found out I lost my unemployment claim.

That same day, I found out our loan modification was denied.

Through it all, I have tried to maintain a sunny outlook for my kids. I did an abysmal job. They knew something was wrong. My daughter had to tell me to stop crying at least once a week. My son was extra cuddly, as if he knew I needed some extra compassion.

During this roller coaster ride, I have been talking to a friend about it. She's Catholic, as I am, but she's much better at it than I am. What I mean is, I struggle with my faith. Yes, I go to church and I go through the motions - say the prayers, make the donations, sing the songs. But I've had a real problem with the church's stance on social issues, and my faith took a huge hit when I lost my job and my unemployment claim, given that I was employed by a catholic school.

My friend doesn't struggle with her faith. She's serene about it. If something bad happens to her, it's part of God's plan so she can learn and grow. If something good happens to her, it's part of God's plan so she can learn and grow.

I didn't think I had it in me to follow that blindly. I wanted to. God knows, I've tried. But I'm too much of a control freak to simply give myself over to God when I don't know what's going to happen.

Still, He forced the issue.

My friend would gently remind me, whenever I called her up to complain or cry or whine about my circumstances, that God has a plan for me. She shared her mantra with me: "God knows your beginning, middle, and end. You don't and you don't need to." She told me that when I got overwhelmed and panicked to stop and breathe and remind myself of that.

So I did. When I found out I didn't qualify for tutoring, I took a deep breathe and reminded myself it wasn't part of God's plan. When I found out the training job didn't start until November, I sat outside and told myself that I needed to turn myself over to God. Every day I prayed. Every day I meditated. My family started going to church again. We started praying before meals and before bedtime. I could feel my faith growing, getting stronger, and that made me stronger. I was better at handling crises. I was calmer. I was happier.

And then I got hit with the two-fer: no unemployment and no loan modification. All of the work I had done over the summer to strengthen my faith was gone in the blink of an eye. I was back at square one, furious and scared, wondering why God was punishing me. I called my friend, hysterical. She cried with me. And then she said, "Shannon, I know you don't want to hear this, but God has a plan for you. Trust in Him."

My response was: "I can't trust anything but myself."

The next day, it rained, as I mentioned here. And, I swear, I heard God. So I danced in the rain. And during my dance, I fell to my knees and looked up to God. "I put myself in Your hands," I said as tears poured down my face. "I can't do it alone anymore."

Four days later, I got a call. I had landed my dream job - I'm now a virtual teacher; I work from home so I can still be with my kids. I can keep my credential current. There will be no real gaps in my resume. I will have a paycheck. My family will survive financially.

And this wonderful thing happened the moment I found the strength to turn myself over to God.

I know now that I needed to struggle and fear and ride this roller coaster. I needed to take this path to find my faith.

"Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding; In all your ways acknowledge Him, and He will make your paths straight." ~Proverbs, 3:5

Unexpected Blessings

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Have you ever noticed, that when you are at what you think is your absolute lowest, there is always someone there to say exactly the right thing at exactly the right time? You just have to be paying attention...

I had one of those moments today. I was talking to my mother on the phone, crying my eyes out because of the mess I have made of my life.

Here's the thing - I'm rarely a crier. I'm more of a scream into a pillow, go to a butt kicking aerobic class, or a punching a boxing bag kind of girl. But in the last two months, I have done more crying than I care to admit to. And the fact that I was crying to my mother (who taught me to be that scream into a pillow, go to a butt kicking aerobic class, or punch a boxing bag kind of girl) is RARE. In fact, the last time I did, I think I was 15.

And my mom reminded me of something, something that until that moment, I wasn't even aware she realized.

"Shannon," she told me in a soothing voice that I don't remember from my childhood. (How could I have missed it?) "You are so lucky -- you have two children who love you and you get to be their mom. You have more than some people will ever have. You have the right priorities -- everything else will work out. You just have to give it time."

And then she said the clincher, the one thing that was guaranteed to make me cry harder. "You are my first born. I hate to see you so upset. If I could fix it, I would. But I know you'll get through this; you're strong."

She reminded me of something that I sometimes take for granted: I have two great kids and a family that loves me.

Sometimes, I really want to be my mom when I grow up.

Just My Luck

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Sometimes I think that if I didn't have bad luck, I would have no luck at all.

Today I got hit with two pieces of bad financial news. Bad news that made me sink to the floor, huddled in the fetal position, sobbing my eyes out because I am terrified and don't know how my family and I will cope. We're talking the type of bad news that I can't plan for, so I don't know what the next step is.

Thankfully, no one is hurt or dying, but the pieces of bad news I got are going to make life difficult for my family and me. The first bit of bad news will make life difficult long term. The second bit of bad news will make life difficult for us short term.

And since bad things happen in threes, I'm not driving anywhere tonight. Better not risk it.

So there I was, crying on the floor of the kitchen, trying to remember my meditation breathing so I didn't have a panic attack while trying to chant the phrase that is supposed to help me calm myself ("God knows my beginning, middle, and end, and I don't"), but it was coming out so quickly that it was "God knows.... God knows... God knows...." when my daughter walked into the kitchen and found me. Now, those of you with kids know that this is your worst nightmare... You never want your kids to see you like that for fear that it might scare them.

My daughter wasn't scared. She was curious. And without missing a beat, she asked "Why you crying, Momma? Don't cry. Use your words. The sun is out. The sun will make everything okay."

Oh, I should probably mention that she was playing dress up in my closet and looked like this:


Yup -- her old winter pajama top, her new ballerina tutu that I put away so she could grow into it, and my snakeskin high heels. Awesome look.

My tears dried up and I started laughing. Not-manic-I-think-I'm-going-crazy-laughter, but genuine, soul healing, everything-is-going-to-be-okay-laughter.

God does know my beginning, middle, and end... and He has given me two awesome little monkeys to take care of to remind me of that when I forget.

Sometimes I forget just how lucky I am.