Depictions of Daddy

My daughter drew a picture of her daddy today.

"That's great," I told her. "What is that brown circle in the middle?"

"The baby in his tummy," she said nonchalantly.

Is 3 too young for an anatomy lesson?

I Guess I'm Doing Something Right...

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Girlie came up to me today and told me she was going to read me a story. She then proceeded to grab my When Everything Changed: The Amazing Journey of American Women From 1960 to the Present and randomly flipped it open.

[I tried really hard to not wince when she started with "Once Upon a Time..."]

"Once upon a time, there was princess named Snow White," she 'read,' "and she had a naughty Queen who sent her to live with the dwarfs. Grumpy is my favorite. Snow White fell asleep after eating an apple -- see, Mommy, I told you apples are bad! -- and the prince came and kissed her and she woke up and they lived happily every after."

"Wow," I said. "Did Snow White go to college?"

"Yes," Girlie said, nodding vigorously. "And so did Cinderella."

"That's really good!" I told her. "It's important to use your smarts! What did Cinderella and Snow White learn about at college?"

"How to be a princess," Girlie said with a total duh-attitude.

At least she thinks going to college is important.

I may have to find magician classes for my daughter.

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Girlie: "Mommy, can I play with stamps?"

Me: "No, not while Brother is awake. It's too messy."

Girlie: "Oh, I can only play when he goes to sleep?"

Me: (working) "Uh-huh."

Girlie: "What if he disappears?"

Me: (still working) "Maybe."

Girlie: (hits her brother on the head with her magic wand) "HOCUS-POCUS! Mommy, I made brother disappear!! Can I play with stamps now?"

Boyo: "NOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!"

Randomness...

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My sister asked me when the fatigue symptom of pregnancy is supposed to be over. I told her a year after the youngest child leaves the house. I don't think it was the answer she wanted.

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I was watching The Middle last week (if you don't watch it, you must. Absolutely hilarious.) And this scene made me roll on the floor with laughter:

Teenager: "What do babies have to do with sex anyway?"

Mom: "They ruin it."

Yup.

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I just saw a book entitled I Love You Even Though... My favorite was "I love you even though you think shoving a beer up a chicken's butt makes you a culinary genius." It got me thinking... what would be my I Love You Even Though...?

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I went to Taco Tuesday the other night with girlfriends. Since I'm pregnant, I couldn't drink. You know what? I still had as much fun as if I could.

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I'm on the gestational diabetes diet for this pregnancy. It blows. The dietican tried to make me feel better though: "Think about how thin you will be after you give birth!" You know what? I would rather be fat and get to eat cheesecake.

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My friend asked me how I could be so sure I was having a boy. I told her that only a man would make me this sick and tired.

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I forgot how dangly earrings can make me feel so pretty and "finished."

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I bribed my children to be good at the post office by telling them we would go to the 99 Cent store afterwards. Hey, after the last post office outing, I wasn't going to risk it. When we finished up our postal business, my daughter turned to me and said, "I want a gun at the store."

Without even thinking about it, I replied, "No guns."

She sighed, then turned to her brother and said, "Guns are only for pirates."

My Children Are Growing Up To Fast

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Last night, I sat up, heart pounding, certain that I had heard my daughter cry. I went and tiptoed into her room, prepared to soothe and settle when I realized that she was sound asleep, curled up in her twin bed, a book next to her. I put the book away, tucked her foot under her blanket, and kissed her cheek.

So I went into my son's room, thinking that in my sleepy state, I misinterpreted the cry. Nope. He was face down in his big boy bed, arms and legs sprawled out, his blanket kicked to the floor. I covered him up, kissed his little head, and went back to bed.

Where I stared at the ceiling for an hour.

My babies are growing up, I thought. This thought ran repeatedly through my head like an annoying ticker on CNN.

The echoes of my babies' cries have not faded from my little house and I already have two big kids.

Instead of cuddling a little baby girl, I have to bit my tongue when my daughter says, "Yes, Mother? What can I do for you, Mother?" when I call her name. I went from Momma to Mother awfully fast. And she's three, for the love of God.

Instead of soothing a colicky baby, I have to sit back and let my son try to dress himself when he grabs he clothes from my hands and says, "No! Mine do!" How is this possible? Didn't I bring him home from the hospital last week?

I love that my kids are growing up. And I hate it too.

Teaching Stuff...

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Why am I always surprised at the number of students who suddenly care about their grade a week before the final?

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To the parents who believe their child doesn't ever, ever tell a lie, allow me to give you a tip: if I call you and tell you that your child is not doing work, and your child tells you that they are working when you ask them about it -- I'm not lying.

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I need to make a recording of the following: "No, I am not going to give you extra credit so you can pass when you haven't done any work all semester." It would save me a lot of time if I could just hit play instead of repeating myself over and over and over and over....

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I have got to stop laughing and then saying, "Oh, wait, seriously?" when my students ask me when the final is.

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The day of the final is not the best time to tell me you don't understand the causes of World War II.

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No, I will not give you extra credit because you saw The King's Speech.

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A tip to my students: Stop gripping about taking the final. I have to grade 200 of them. Do you hear me complaining?

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No, we are not going to pretend you took the final because no one will know.

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How is it that I can email my students the last date work is due, I can post the last date work is due on my web page, and I can tell my students daily in class the last day work is due, but I will still get 15 emails from students asking me, "Ms. G, what is the last day work is due?"

Things I Wonder...

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... does my husband think I'm the sock fairy?

... what was my daughter thinking when she tried to shove a Trix up her nose?

... why does my son have this burning obsession to color on every wall in my house?

... do my children have an internal alarm clock that prompts them to cry the moment I lay down to go to bed?

... how can my children trash a room in the 3.1 seconds it takes me to answer the phone?

... what was my son was saying when he babbled to himself during the homily today? It sounded like he was having a conversation with the priest.

... who taught my daughter to whine "It's not fa-air!" for hours on end when she doesn't get her way?

Boy or Girl?

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To say I don't like surprises would be the understatement of the year. (And since we are only one week into the new year, that's saying a lot.)

I'm almost 12 weeks pregnant and I'm going crazy -- I want to know if I'm having a boy or girl. I want to know right now. Which is pretty difficult, because a doctor can't tell with an ultrasound until about week 18.

But still... I am positively twitchy to find out. And then I remembered something a friend gave me as a gift when I was pregnant with my son: INTELLIGENDER.

Basically, its a pee test you can take as early as 10 weeks. You pee in a cup that has magic crystals in it, and if your pee turns a grayish orange, you are having a girl. And if your pee turns a grayish green, you are having a boy.

When I was pregnant with my son, my pee turned black and bubbly and fizzed out of the cup. I contacted Intelligender to ask if that meant I was having a demon. They told me no, I was having a boy. (Although, some days with my son, I think my demon thought is fitting...)

Anyway, I wanted the Intelligender test. But it costs a small forture ($25 at Target, $35 on their website), and it's not a doctor approved test; it's just for fun. They claim to be about 90% right on their website. Discussion boards claim they are about 60% right. So my husband looked at me like I was nuts when I asked for it.

"Twenty five dollars for a test that is basically fifty-fifty?" he asked me in shock. "No way - you can wait until the ultrasound. We both can."

HOWEVER, Santa must have heard my wish, because there it was: an Intelligender test in my Christmas stocking! And I was 10 weeks along Christmas morning, perfect! I ran to the bathroom to take the test.

I saw green gray for a boy.

My husband saw orange gray for a girl.

Damn it.

Why My Son Wants Me To Put Him To Bed Every Night

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I work from home, so that means that I'm with my kids all day long. So when the school year started, my husband and I decided (that is, I decreed) my husband would bathe and put our children to bed 5 nights a week so they can have "Daddy time" and I can have "Me time."

Lately, though, my son has been refusing to go to bed unless I read him Sleeping Beauty and Good Night Moon. I love spending time with my son, but I was curious to know what had happened to my "Me time." So I listened the other night as my husband put Boyo to bed:

"Sleeping Beauty? Again?! Okay," my husband sighed. "Once upon a time there was a king and queen and they had a baby. Three old lady fairies came and wanted to give her gifts. She got beauty and song. Then the mean fairy Maleficent showed up and said the princess Aurora would prick her finger on a spinning wheel and die, which is really lame. The third old lady fairy said she wouldn't die, she would just go to sleep -- which is what you need to do. The three old lady fairies took the baby away. Everyone was so sad.

"Sixteen years later the three old lady fairies made a mess in the cottage and the princess was dancing with the animals because she was weird. Then Prince Philip came out of the bushes because he's a stalker and danced with her. Then the princess went back to the castle with the three old ladies. Maleficent showed up and told the Princess to touch the spinning wheel and she did it because she couldn't think for herself. The three old lady fairies put everyone to sleep and then went to get Prince Philip. Prince Philip killed Maleficent and kissed Sleeping Beauty and they lived happily ever after. The end, good night."

My son pulled his binky out of his mouth, glared at my husband, and demanded: "MOMMA!"

I get the shift in bed time routine now.

A Saturday Night At Our House

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It began after bath time, when my daughter took the tin whistle flute my parents brought back from Ireland for her, spun it around, and used it like a wand.

"Ladies and Gentleman!" she said. "May I have your attention, please! I am a magic trick doer person, and I am going to do a magic trick!"

I put down the book I was reading to her brother, choked back my laughter, and asked, "And what trick are you going to do?"

She pranced over to me, smacked me on the head with her flute, and said: "Hocus Pocus! I have now made you the Baby Jesus!"

Awesome.