NOW

~
I walked out of work today for the last time.

Finals are graded. Classroom is clean. Keys turned in. There is nothing left for me there.

And I feel.... finally at peace with the circumstances.

I'm still a little sad. I'm still a lot scared.

I had an epiphany as to why I was so panicked before. Actually, my husband had it. With a sprinkle of my sister's wisdom too. And a side of a good friend butt kicking, stop-feeling-sorry-for-yourself talking to.

When I called my sister hysterical, and I told her: "I just taught my last class!" her retort was "No, you didn't. You just taught your last class at your job. You will teach again."

And my good friend said: "Stop thinking of this as permanent. It's not. You are home for now. And you define the 'now.'"

And my husband said: "Of course you are upset. You define yourself as a teacher. And now you aren't one. Now you can be whatever you want."

So......I'm a blank slate. And I get to define 'now.'

I'm getting T-shirts made with these two sayings.

The End of an Era

~
Okay, maybe not an era. I don't know, does 5 years count as an era? Somehow, I don't think so.

Still, 5 years is a long time. 1,825 days. 43,800 hours. 2,628,000 minutes. Or, to put it another way, 1/6 of my life.

For 5 years, I have taught at an all girls high school. When I started there, I was fresh out of a teaching credential program, nervous and ready to take on the world. I was engaged to be married, living in a condo my parents owned, driving a broken down Saturn.

I taught my last class there today.

As I leave, I am a married, mother of two with an MA, paying astronomical mortgage payments on a house I sometimes lovingly and sometimes reluctantly call home. And I drive a minivan. I grew up while I taught there.

And I'm not sure how I feel about leaving.

It's just now starting to sink in that I am not a teacher there anymore. Sure, I have Awards Day tomorrow, and three days of finals next week. But I'm not going to school as Ms. Gerlach - Super Star Teacher. I'm going in as Ms. Gerlach - An Adult in the Room for Supervision Purposes.

I've been so busy today - making finals, sitting in on meetings, grading, cleaning/packing up my classroom, and -- oh, yeah -- teaching, that it's only now, as I sit at my desk with a glass of wine, that I can process this change.

I'm numb. And relieved. And sad. And terrified. And sick to my stomach. And excited. And I want to cry.

I'm sad to leave my students and my friends. I'm excited and terrified to be a full time mommy. I'm sick to my stomach and terrified about our financial situation and the fact that I don't have a solid plan for work yet. And I'm relieved that I no longer have to deal with the nonsense that has been my life for the past 5 years.

I talked to two of my sisters and a good friend today about what I was feeling - how I'm a tangle of emotions, how I'm not sure if I should be laughing or crying, how I'm not sure if I should grin or throw up. They all gave me great advice:

One sister: "In 3 weeks, you are going to be so happy. The change is scary. But in 3 weeks, whether you have a new position or not, you are going to be in a great place."

Good friend: "Being afraid of being home with your kids is normal. It's an adjustment. But we're here for you."

But perhaps the most realistic advice came from my other sister:

"You're sad because you are thinking about all the good stuff. Stop it. Think about all the crap they put you through. The good stuff was rare. The crap was daily."

Still, for tonight, I think I'm going to finish my glass of wine, tear up a bit, and remember the good stuff.